How St Luke’s helped me face 15 years of grief

In 2011, Andy Webb lost his wife, Mo, to cancer. She spent her final days at St Luke’s Hospice.

Earlier this year, after years of grief following Mo’s death, Andy returned to the hospice to receive personal counselling through the Patient Family Support Service (PFSS). There, he was helped by Patricia McCrossan, who supported him as he began facing emotions and memories he had carried for more than fifteen years.

Following the counselling, Andy wanted to write a few words to express his gratitude to the staff at St Luke’s.

Fifteen years ago I walked through the doors of St Luke’s Hospice as a husband.

Like so many families, I wasn’t ready for what was coming. Mo spent her final days there and on 22 June 2011 I said goodbye to the woman I loved. I left carrying grief, guilt and questions that I would spend years trying to outrun.

For fifteen years I never truly came to terms with her loss. Instead, I did what I had always done. I put my head down, carried on, helped others and convinced myself I was coping. The reality was very different.

Earlier this year my world came crashing down. The armour I had spent decades building finally broke. When I found myself struggling with grief, trauma and PTSD, I never imagined that one of the places that would help me find my feet again would be the very place where I had said goodbye to Mo.

I first walked through those doors as a husband trying not to lose his wife. Fifteen years later I walked back through them as a man trying not to lose himself.

Walking back through those doors after fifteen years was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Every step brought back memories. Every corridor reminded me of a time in my life that I had tried so hard not to revisit. Yet from the moment I arrived, I was met with kindness, understanding and compassion.

St Luke’s gave me something I didn’t expect. It gave me a safe place to grieve. A safe place to talk. A safe place to be vulnerable without judgement.

For the first time in many years, I allowed myself to stop running.

The journey hasn’t been easy. There have been tears, difficult conversations, painful memories and moments where I wanted to walk away. There have also been moments of understanding, acceptance and healing.

Patricia, I owe you a special thank you.

For fifteen years I carried guilt that I couldn’t put down. Guilt that I should have done more. Guilt that somehow I had failed Mo. Through patience, understanding and some very difficult conversations, you helped me see things differently.

For the first time, I have been able to look back and recognise that I did make a difference. I was there. I fought alongside her. I helped extend her life and gave us more time together. That isn’t arrogance or self praise. It’s simply accepting the truth.

One memory that will always stay with me is what my eldest son, Kieran, said at his mum’s funeral:

“My mum didn’t lose to cancer, she beat it, because she smiled when in pain and laughed when in agony.”

Those words were true then and they remain true today.

Together, Mo and I raised four boys: Kieran, Dominic, Jordan and Brandon. Watching them grow into the men they are today is something we would both be immensely proud of. Each of them carries a little of their mum’s strength, determination and humour.

Today, our grandchildren have become my sunshine on darker days. They remind me that while grief never leaves us, life continues to move forward. They make me laugh, make me smile and remind me why the fight is always worth it.

Because of the work we have done together, I no longer look back at Mo’s battle and only see loss. I see courage. I see love. I see a family that stood together. Most importantly, I see memories that make me smile more than they make me cry.

As my grief counselling comes to an end, I leave with something I didn’t have when I first returned.

Hope.

Hope that I can continue moving forward. Hope that I can carry Mo’s memory without being consumed by guilt. Hope that the future can hold more than pain.

To everyone at St Luke’s, thank you.

Thank you for the care you gave Mo fifteen years ago.

Thank you for the care you have given me today.

The reasons I walked through your doors may have been very different, but the compassion I found on both occasions was exactly the same.

I will never forget that.